The following is a list of the things I emptied from my saved text messages folder. Mostly it's just one liners or dialog I'd either had out loud or thought of in my head and wanted to remember for later. Sometimes it's not. I deleted emails, and personal I saved texts before I published them, and added the stuff in the parentheses just now for commentary. Enjoy.

*For cartoon: Someone answers a phone and it’s just another phone ringing

*Son in law (I totally don't remember what that means since I wrote it. Healthy distancing alternative term for stepson?)


*Poster or shirt with a guitar and fingers which reads “I’d tap that.” (I get it, it's referring to fret-board tapping.)

*For cartoon: Someone walks up to somebody parked in Voltzwagon taps on the glass, slug bugs the driver and runs off.

*For cartoon: Someone goes to take a pee on a tree while camping and has to wait in a long line.

*Charolett Sometimes. (I meant to look it up, but never did)

*Cartoon dialogue:
"You, quickly. Tell me something that isn’t imbecilic."
"… Plank’s constant?"
"Stay of execution for being aware of basic physical concepts."

*I think Bono still hasn’t “found what he’s looking for” because he’s still “Driving around the streets that have no name.”

*Jacky Robinson broke the colour barrier, but did he ever think to fix it?

*I try to refrain from it because it dates me. But since no one else is dating me… (Said to someone who asked me "do you draw political cartoons?")

*I baby proofed my house recently. Now there is no way in HELL a baby’s getting in here.

*You’ve got a mouth the size of the Holland tunnel and I want to kiss every square foot of it. I imagine getting a little French action up in here would feel similar to licking Stonehenge on a hot rainy day. (texted to Brittany. We broke up a week later.)

*I hate inviting coat racks to to my parties. They’re always hungover.

*Someday I want to open up a shoe factory in Singapore. It’s always been my dream to work with kids.

*I can’t be Jehovah’s witness. I never saw his accident.

*Dominance, humor, unpredictability, adventure, strength, sexual awareness, indifference. (Someone asked if I knew the three jewels of the tao were. At the time I did not. So I gave them the "seven jewels of the jerk that stole my nerdy friend's girlfriend." I can learn from everyone.)

*That will take the exact amount of time to explain it to explain!

*For cartoon: None shall pass! ( nun pops out )…you may pass.

*The only gold standard is the Yukon gold standard. (said at a burgerville)

*More twists than Chubby Checker on a tilt-a-whirl during a tornado. (describing a particularly riveting philosophical conversation I was having.)

*Said by guy taking tickets at a movie theater for movie Peter Pan related: second door on the right… AND STREAIGHT ON TILL MORNING!!!

*Shirt: I’m afraid of what I’ll allow when I’m drunk.

*There are two ways to get rich. You can make more, or you can require less.

*Johnson o Connar (yup. I don't know who that is.)

*Robbie finds an old half gone bottle of coke in the couch and he’s all like “alright!” And Jyto’s like “you’re going to drink that?” And Robbie’s like “heck yeah, I like my soda like I like my women: one week old and flat!” At this, Jyto just stands there looking mortified as Robbie takes a drink of the couch soda.

*Person playing scribble as a parody of scrabble, see the board is exactly the same, but instead of letters there are little scribbles.

*You’re not setting foot on my face! (said to anonymous ex-girlfriend's friend when she tried to put eyeliner on my face.)

*Hey look! The dynamic duo! And Jyto! (Said to the same ex-girlfriend as above by the same friend as above. She made it seem like me and her were the dynamic duo, but when she said "and Jyto!" she said it in such a way that made it suddenly clear that she was referring to her boobs. I don't know how, you had to have been there.)

*Winona rider punches airplains with her foot. (It's true.)

*I can’t pick a side! Either way I look at it, I’m right!

*On a scale of nine to ten, how much do you miss me? (texted from Marie. I thought it was witty so I guess I saved it.)

*Learn waitress by cloud cult. (I never did. My notes to myself via saved text message folder are useless.)

*Conversation I had:
Her: Hey, are you still going to come help us pick out (anonymous ex's friend's) prom dress tonight?
Me: Oh, yeah, that. I can't come, I've got this thing.
Her: What thing?
Me: A penis.

*Conversation with Nick at a party:
Me: I was just looking for you.
Nick: Well if you find me, give me this. (holds up the bottle of beer he was holding)

*Learn Doctor Loony’s remedy and the “right now” song if you can remember what I’m talking about. And “Coldest night of the year” if you can find a decent online recording. (never did, never did, and... tried. But never did.)

*Corbit Smith. Look him up when you get to Evergreen. He acts. (Never went.)

*Those beautiful eyes… Those sexy lips… the smoothest walk… But enough about me, how are you doing? (Another witty text, I wish I came up with first.)

*Friends with benefits is like the relationship equivalent of an adjustable rate mortgage. (I'm pretty sure I got that one from G4's Attack of the Show.)

*Astronomers have made a significant discovery about the stars! They’re just like us! (From Colbert Report)

*After Matt said something that made him seem like a pedophile:
Me: Dude, that made you sound like a pedophile, you know that?
Matt: Well, you know how I like kids.
Me: ...wow, words escape me.
Matt: Sometimes children escape me.

Talking to Robert about Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the movie when Matt walks in:
Matt: what movie are you talking about?
Me: Oh, I was talking about fear and loathing in las Vegas.
Matt: Hmm… I’ve never heard of that one.
Me: Oh yeah, man, fear and loathing in las Vegas!
Matt: Oh, now I’ve heard of it!

*Adobe In Design (I looked it up.)

*Watching a cheesy love movie:
Man: Isn’t it a little weird to move all the way across the states for a dude you barely know?
Woman: I’d move to the moon for him… Now I know what you’re thinking.
Me (imitating the woman on the screen): There’s no air on the moon.

*If you book them, they will come. (Don't remember why I wanted to remember that.)

*Muse (A word I commonly forget.)

*Dancing queen. Learn it rock style. (No.)

*I’d like to see someone actually bet their ass. If you lost, you’d have nowhere to sit!

*Mirage en twa (...? A three way way with a psychotic woman and her imaginary friend, maybe?)

*Jim Gafigan (is funny)

*So I married an axe murderer (couldn't find a decent stream.)

*Evergreen Park (an apartment complex I meant to move into later.)

*Me: I’m terrible at paying attention is half my problem.
Matt: What’s the other half?
Me: ..I’m sorry, what?

*Oh, I can’t eat that, I’m watching your figure. (said flirtatiously to an ice cream vendor. She didn't go on a date with me.)

*13myhbiz.com (looks like a scam.)

*Referring to slivers: I can only take so much wood!

*Steven Wright (is funny.)

*The jig is up! You’re going down! Not up. …..where the jig is. (said before a fight)

*Project vote smart (political stuff. You wouldn't care.)

*Chicken toastata (I don't remember why this was significant, but I can't bring myself to delete it because it seems like it was TERRIBLY important that I remember it. Ahhh, it's driving me crazy...)

*When the recipe sucks, it doesn’t matter how good a cook you are. (In reference to an argument about the rigorous presidential campaign)

*I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit right now. (in reference to something disgusting looking)

*And so began my dark decent .. all the way to the top! (Said while he was telling the story of how he'd become a corporate tool, before he realized the truth. Which I think was something redundant like "money can't buy happiness.")

*Nauphlia (I think I meant Nauplia, but I still don't know why I saved this location regardless.)

*Flight of the concord (Never seen it.)

*Reidentified flying objects (Once you identify an unidentified flying object as an unidentified flying object, it is no longer unidentified, thereby falsifying it's name. It must be changed then to identified flying object.)

*Myan god koo ko kan (was a jerk)

*Mimi molly (was terrible.)

*I use to be as hot as all that, but my body has since expanded its empire on all sides. (said by a large woman with five kids.)

*Nick: Who are you talking about?
Me: Oh, you don't know her.
Nick (acting as though I just told him her name): Oh I know her!

*We are the masters of disguise in this brave new world we call.... this brave new world...

*Jake (having called my cell phone): Where are you?
Me: On the phone, where are you?

*After receiving a corrected psych test back with all the wrong answers highlighted: This paper is like a genocide of pink! Somewhere a flamingo is weeping.

*History doesn't repeat itself.

*But it rhymes.

*If I weren't me and I was reading all these texts it would give me a false impression of myself.